Missing Person

Sometimes the cancer battle feels as if you are a missing person. You are missing from so many of the things that your life consisted of before. It’s more than just the activities it’s an internal effect as well.

It’s astonishing how much this battle seems to take from your life. So many of your relationships are affected. Some evaporate, some grow closer and more real but the one that matters most is the one with Jesus.

He is the only one who can truly understand what this battles means day after day. It’s not that you hide things from people but rather that it’s a struggle to explain. Each day is a constant state of adjustment to various side effects, physical, emotional, and mental. I don’t often share much about these things because 1) why spend precious time on negative thoughts and battles and 2) there is so much more good than bad. However, I want to be transparent too in hopes that it might encourage others facing various challenges, not just cancer.

There are a lot of losses on this battlefield, yet with God there is also much that is added. You learn to value simple things. It’s as if life has been run through a giant filter and so much that is truly useless has been stripped away. So many items that society says we should yearn for, pursue, value and achieve simply just don’t matter. Because your life has been broken down to the basics you feel like you are out of touch with so much of the world that is spiraling around you. At the same time, you can be so in touch with the things that are truly important.

In some way it’s like figuring yourself out all over again. Like a child growing up through life and sorting out their thoughts on various life stages. Learning various lessons as they face their new world. Sometimes overwhelmed by emotions that make no sense. Sometimes those same emotions draw you to a place of great intimacy with God.

You seem like the same person on the outside to others but so much changes you in this journey. Often people don’t see how much you have changed in this battle. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you have changed either.

I look back at the things that used to fill my life and so many of them feel foreign to me. Most are certainly not something I would want to or be able to do right now. For example, I used to write major data analysis for work, the thought of this now is completely unreal to me.

I think back on years of deep discussions at work, with family and friends, and studying topics to grow in an effort to understand more. Now some days I struggle to follow general conversation, my brain struggles to comprehend and communicate back in ways that used to be so easy. Some days it’s as if your brain has short circuited and other days you can zero in on the things that matter most with ease.

Some days exhaustion steals your day away as you seem to not be able to get enough sleep. Your time tables can be turned quite upside down. You are awake when everyone else is asleep which then messes with your next day. It can be a very isolating cycle sometimes but also sometimes in those nights you have moments of great reflection, revelation and precious time with God.

In so many ways it seems like you are spending all your energy just trying to live. As if you are walking as an invisible person through a world you no longer get to engage with anymore. Simple things that were done with no thought before become major hurdles or even impossible now.

Having said all this the one thing that always sustains me is that God sees me. He understands every step, every moment, every battle. I don’t need to have the right words to explain, I don’t need to say anything. I don’t have to worry about meeting any expectations or falling short of being able to do anything. I can just lay in His arms and let Him fight my battles. I never have to feel like a missing person with Him because He is always near. He is El Roi, the God who sees me and I am so thankful.

If you are facing any kind of challenges in your life please know that He sees you. He is ready to bare the load you carry. He will sustain you and carry you through any battle. He has paid to provide you direct access to His love. You are never a missing person with Him.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭54‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬