Living to Die

As I battle stage four cancer so much of my day to day life is geared around staying alive, or so it seems. Treatments, side effects, nutrition, chemo injections, exercise etc. However, what I have learned most is that all of these things aren’t about struggling to live they are about living to die. I am not talking about physical death for those days are in the hands of Jesus, He orders my days. What I have learned is that this battle is living to learn how to die to myself. There are so many ways you come to the end of yourself in such battles. So many things with which you need help. This is particularly difficult for one such as me who has always been driven and independent.

However, my biggest lesson is that when I am weak He is strong. When I have nothing to offer He rejoices with me just lying in His arms. I come before Him broken and emptied and He becomes my source. It’s not about driving myself to accomplish things “for God”. It’s about dwelling in relationship with Him.

He doesn’t wield a measuring stick to see if I have done enough. He makes me enough. In days when I go to the pool and exercise as hard as my battered body allows… on days when I sleep for hours at a time due to chemo fatigue. Days when I accomplish things around my home and days when I stare and the laundry and dust and just can’t; I am enough.

He comforts me when I have to restrict my day to day exposure to people I love because of the threat of viruses etc. He is my constant companion in the moments when my heart is discouraged as a I watch others live an active life. He makes my life joyful in ways that I can’t even explain despite this battlefield.

Most of all my life is focused on dying to my expectations and is lived for Him. Every injection, every dose of chemo, every scan is one more day I can say to someone they are loved by God. I live to die to self so that by living He can receive glory and that others might know His great love for them.