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In this season of battling with cancer there have been many twists and turns. My whole life was literally shattered physically but also mentally and emotionally. I am not sure there are truly words that can really explain that process but I am grateful that God uses brokenness to reveal true strength. During this past year I have had to press into my faith in ways that I have never done before. It is moments like these when you really begin to see the love that Jesus has for you and it is overwhelming.
In life we all go through challenging times and the natural tendency is to eventually try to pull ourselves together. It is ingrained in our society that we "pull ourselves up by our boot straps" or "get it together". However, as I continue on this journey I find myself still feeling so broken in many ways and I began to feel pressure to say and act otherwise.
It is human nature to only sustain a circumstance for so long. It seems we can usually only tarry through difficulty with someone for a season, even with ourselves before we expect things to change. I understand this and that was the pressure I was feeling. I felt this pressure to be "my oldself", to "get back to normal" etc. but I still feel broken in many ways so much so that I no longer connect with what my life was before. So I began asking God about this and I cried when He responded I use broken things.
You see I always thought that brokenness was a temporary thing and that God would sometimes bring a breaking in order to rebuild us to something stronger but I am learning the wisdom behind being broken,
”And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.“
II Corinthians 12:9 NKJV
We all move through this world trying so hard to do the right things, be the right things and so on. It’s a constant pressure to achieve some false expectations of who and what we should be and how we should act. We carry a constant measuring stick to see if our lives measure up. This pressure comes from so many directions, including ourselves. It drives us and causes us to see ourselves as abnormal and if we allow it to it can define us in ways that God never intended. We can get caught up in a constant battle of trying to live up to some expectation and miss the beauty of being broken. This journey has taught me that I for one would rather stay broken and lay all my pieces at His feet. I want people to see and know the God who delights in broken things.